You were absolutely perfect. From head to toe, from your most noticeable qualities right down to the smallest details. The way you held my hand, how our fingers intertwined. The special way we communicated. You could speak only one word, yet an entire message was relayed to me. Your ambition, determination, independence, the list goes on. You had a smile and humor that could light up the sky on the darkest days. You held an innocent curiosity for the oddities of life that I couldn’t help but get lost in the moment when I’m with you.
To this day, I can’t answer that simple question, “what do you like the most about me?,” because to list one attribute, one quality would do no justice.
And the part I hate is that we didn’t end because of disloyalty or jealousy or trivial fights, we ended on the matter that we couldn’t perceive everything ahead. I can’t say that I hate you nor can I say that I dislike you in the slightest bit. I can’t say that things fell apart, I can’t even say that things didn’t work out. And I can’t be satisfied with an ending such as that. It could just be a fault of mine, but I wonder what would have happened if I caught you before you open the door. Then maybe, things would have turned out different. I felt so lifeless on my bed, hoping that it had all been just a dream.
I’m young, I’m stupid, I’m arrogant, I’m selfish, I’m cocky. I’m stubborn. I’m twenty and I don’t know nor can I comprehend what the idea, emotion, or feeling of “love” is. I understand your point and I would be lying if I said it didn’t scare me. I would be blind if I said there was no validity or possibility in that outcome. I’m in no position in my life to say that I know how the next three, or four, or five years of my life will play out.
But, I can recall how the last two years played out. I remember when I first met you. Of how absolutely wonderful you are. I was struck head over heels. If goddesses truly existed, then I thought I had just met one. I remember clearly thinking to myself, “there’s no way she’ll ever go out with me.” But you did and here we are now.
And yet, I simply can’t let you go. Maybe I’m just being selfish and I’m acting in the moment, but I can’t help but to think that there’s some way, some outcome, some endgame, where I win you back and we live happily ever after. But we both know that’s not how our lives work.
And yet, I can’t help but to contemplate on your happiness, that in a better place and a better time, you find someone who’s smarter, who’s better looking, who has a brighter future, and who can make you happier than I can.